THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
(May 27 1951 – April 9th 2010)
Hello Hon I am writing posthumously because, as you know, at this point, there is no other way to say thank you. Without your help I may never have found neurofeedback because I wouldn’t have had the time. Sure I know why you offered to help me co-parent Dar. I know you were looking for a way out of your depression, your basement apartment, your co-dependent situation with your sons, it doesn’t matter that it helped you to help me, it matters that you helped me. Strange isn’t it that we began as each others soul mate spouse way back in my early teens then circled away tried other ways of living with other types of people and then circled back to being together again. Strange that we co-parented not only our children but also my children that became yours. Thirty-six years of make-ups and breakups is a lot of history hon. I miss the way we laughed for the first hour of every morning coffee in hand.
Any way I am writing not to say what I miss but to let you know that you were wrong (Big surprise! Even after death I want to point that out ☺). Turns out the circle of life you left behind had nothing to do with the grand twins though I am glad you got to hold them before you died and to be with them only days before the end. True it seemed like an eerie tap on the shoulder by the circle of life for our daughter to be having two babies while saying goodbye to one dad. I loved the way you joked right up until the end that if ya gotta go nice to know it took two souls to replace you … “kind of a twofer for life”.
Turns out though your circle of life gift has more to do with Dar the boy I adopted without you than with the twins. I feel sopping wet with gratitude for the life you gave him when you came to re-live with us and also for the gift you gave him when you died.
Dar was my son to help but I needed someone to care for him while I gained the skills necessary to help him with. You returned to me when I needed you most. Thank you. You helped me reach him, teach him, care for him. You freed me up so I could free Dar. He was twenty-three at the time. He began to talk though not well enough for you to witness. Then at twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven he slowly gained clarity, new self help skills and the heart of a man embracing his family. It was you along with our daughters who moved in and out of daycare, helper and witness to the miracle positions while I ran around making a living and learning to live. At twenty-eight Dar watched as you slowly died in front of him.
This man, who shows emotions like love, gratitude, anger and boredom was tearless. In fact he hadn’t cried since the day they took him from his birth mom in1983. Not until you died. A week after your passing Dar heard sounds (TV) coming from the room next to him, the one you had lived in. He threw open the door franticly searching… and wailed.
I held my son for hour upon hour as the crying sounds of a wounded terrier emitted from his chest and lips. He’s been ‘more real’ ever since.
If I thank you for anything I thank you for that… completion of life, your death gave birth to, in what by now must be referred to as ‘our son’.
Sleep well my darling.